I have been super grouchy lately.
In case you were not aware….I like to have control…of everything. Food, homeschool, housework, activities, my children, my marriage (yikes!)….everything. When I feel like I am losing control over something, I get grouchy. And grouchy might be too nice a word. I get mean.
I yell at the kids. I nag at my husband. I grumble as I clean. I rush through school stuff. I complain about making dinner. I cancel appointments and hide myself away from playdates.
It is bad.
I have always said I like to be organized and on time and on a schedule/routine. I lesson planned weeks in advance, planned meals, schedule cleaning around the house, signed up for lots of church activities, etc.
This morning in the shower, I finally stopped and admitted to myself: I am not in control. Kind of a silly admission because I have known for a while that I am not as neat and tidy and organized as I like to say I am.
On the surface I look real neat. Kids are dressed, house is picked up (for the most part), we are usually on time for things. Looks great. But, behind my fake smile (yep, totally fake smile when we go out. I secretly dislike rowdy kids and chaos and things not going as planned; I look go-with-the-flow, but I am anything but!) I am on edge. My skin actually gives it away, if I had thought about it. I have acne on my face…still. As a 33-year-old mom of five, I have acne. And it isn’t the time-of-the-month kind. It is the “I worry and stress over every little thing” kind. And I have known that for a long time, too.
The atmosphere here during school time has been tense. Because I am grouchy, I say a lot of mean things – things I instantly regret, volume I wish I had turned down, tones that are just disgusting. The kids, in turn, display the same bad attitudes with each other (and with me), and then I circle back around and yell at them for yelling at each other! And I try to stick a band-aid over it by saying a quick prayer. I pray for God to calm us all down, but I don’t really put any effort into stopping myself before I do it. I don’t really start my day right with prayer and Bible reading, but I expect God to just fix it and fix me – without me having to do any work, really.
I am short-tempered, angry, selfish, lazy, and it has gotten old. Facebook sucks time away from me. I stare at my phone WAY too much during the day. I tell my kids to “hold on” so I can finish looking through my FB newsfeed. Who does that?!
There is no joy here anymore. It is just a feeling of getting through the day, so I can enjoy the evening after the kids are in bed. Honestly. I am not in the mood to sit and “do school” with the kids, and I have resorted to a lot of independent work time. I brush it off as not wanting to force anything on the kids, but really it is just me being lazy.
I stress out over Lily’s eczema, but, really, she isn’t on her deathbed. She, most days, doesn’t even talk about it or seem bothered with it. But, here I am “I gotta fix it!” Money is tight, and I am over here worrying about how to bring in more money. I don’t really consider that it may not be that we need more money but maybe that we need to lessen how much stuff we have/do, but I probably should consider that. Instead, I am searching for ways to make money and ignoring the precious treasures I already have!
I have not planned out school lessons in weeks. I need to get back to that. I have not scheduled cleaning days for the house, and I have slacked on keeping the girls going with their chore cards. Need to get back to that, too.
Not that feeling in control of those things is what I need.
Getting out of this lazy, self-centered funk is what I need! Obviously, starting my day with the Lord would be a good place to start!! My daily devotion time has been pretty rare lately, unfortunately. I keep saying “oh I will do it during nap time” but then I manage to plop my butt down with my lunch and watch tv, justifying it by telling myself I need a break. What I really need is to read God’s Word and really dig into it.
So, just being honest today. I have nothing together over here. I know some changes need to be made in my “routine” and, more importantly, in my heart to get back on track.
It is ok to not be totally organized or neat or have things planned out. I think the more kids you have the harder it becomes (although you could also say the more necessary it becomes!), and even though I tell myself I am not one of those homeschooling moms – unorganized, scatterbrained, disheveled – I think I am that mom quite a bit more than I care to admit. 🙂 And it is ok. God can still use me; it’s being the type of mom that doesn’t seek God first that I should be more afraid of becoming. Being THAT type of mom is harder to admit, but I know I have been that kind lately. And that is what I want to change.
“Seek the LORD and His strength; Seek His face continually.”
I Chronicles 16:11 NASB