I’ve noticed my crazy pregnancy dreams have triggered some of my most worrisome fears. Yesterday, I posted a link to a woman’s blog. It is about losing her child at just 7 months of age. I could barely read her story because I was crying so hard. I cannot imagine what she has gone through – losing a child shortly after seeing her born.
I had one miscarriage before I was pregnant with Iris. I was only 7 weeks along when it happened, and it was devastating. I cannot imagine miscarriage further along into the pregnancy or losing a child after you’ve birthed him/her. I was so sad for several weeks, and my baby wasn’t even formed yet! I have friends and relatives that have lost children further into their pregnancies, and I know it was even more difficult at those points.
So, my big fear this pregnancy is that something huge will be wrong either going into labor or after he’s here. I have been given 3 healthy, beautiful girls after 3 easy pregnancies and mostly easy labors/deliveries. Iris had the umbilical cord around her neck, but the doctor was able to manually remove it as she was coming out. All 3 of my girls were jaundice, to different extents. I cried when we had to set up the jaundice light machine here at home for Addy. I was heartbroken that she was so yellow and had to be under this ridiculously LOUD machine and that we couldn’t hold her and walk around the room because it was plugged into the wall.
I fear that since this is our last baby and we’ve been blessed with 3 easy pregnancies that something will go wrong. I pray it doesn’t; I pray that if it does I will trust God to see us through, but it’s been on my mind constantly. I dream weird things thanks to the hormonal changes I’m going through. I assume other mothers have this same fear. I remember feeling some of these same things – to lesser extents – when I was pregnant with Iris. Not knowing what to expect and, of course, reading all the books and blogs about birth made me worry. After having Iris, I didn’t worry so much with Lily and Addy. This time is different. I know God doesn’t give us more than we can handle with Him….but sometimes I feel like maybe I just don’t want to know HOW MUCH it is that I can handle with Him.