Yes, I am. I am taking a “mental health” day. I told my husband last night we were not having school today. I just couldn’t do it today.
I have no clue what a nervous breakdown or anxiety attack is, but I feel like if I go on any longer as I am I might just experience one or both of those.
Let me explain…
I posted the other day about balancing home life and church activities and school…and how I’m just not sure of the proper way to do it. I really don’t know what I’m doing.
Shocking, I know. I only post on Facebook about my glorious achievements and great days. I RARELY post about my struggles or everything going on in my head. I do not like people to know that I fail, although I’m pretty sure everyone assumes all moms fail at some things at one time or another. Right?! Some days that is the only thing that keeps me going – knowing other moms fail too.
On Monday, I reserved books online through our library for our study of the moon in school this week. I decided to reserve a few books that interested me as well, so I didn’t have to take my loud girls up to the Adult Non-Fiction section and be stared at all crazy while I browsed. My girls tend to “whisper” using outside voices in the section of the library that echoes the most! Ah, children.
One of the books I reserved for me is called Professionalizing Motherhood. I figured it was like some of the other “mom books” I’ve read, giving encouragement and crazy mom stories. It is turning out to be a GREAT book – not so much a collection of crazy mom stories but rather a book to convict and encourage moms to see their career in motherhood as one worthy of value and as something worth taking the time to do as best as possible.
I tend to fall into habits as a mom – cleaning, organizing, cooking meals, and (now) school. My daily activities become monotonous and boring because I’ve made them habits rather than seeing them as new every day and a time to invest all I have into the greatest career ever! (I know, that was a little over-the-top.)
Even though we have school 5 days a week, that doesn’t mean I can’t expect to see something amazing in my children each of those days – to see them as
I make three meals every day of the week (sometimes, only 6 days, but still…), but I can take each meal and put thought into it and love and think of creative ways to present the meal. I remember making smiley faces with scrambled egg piles (eyes), a grape (nose) and a bacon slice (mouth) for the girls a few months ago. They LOVED it! If I take the time to invest in those meals, I can appreciate my opportunity to cook for them and be able to feed them healthy things every meal.
For cleaning and organizing, I like to do both of these anyway (yes, a certified dork I am). BUT, some days I do feel bogged down with my checklist of household duties. If I can see it as a chance to keep my family healthy (no dust/dirt, clean surfaces, etc) and a way to feel accomplished (by completing the to do list or seeing a clean room…even if only for a minute) then I will have a better attitude toward it and a more positive approach to each task. I have to remember to keep the end in sight and not just see all the “chores”.
This book, Professionalizing Motherhood, also addresses our attitudes as wives. I tend to have this “holier than thou” approach to the household when it comes to my marriage. I know how to do it best. I know what the kids like and don’t like. I know how to do it all. I’m sure you can imagine that does not work well when it comes to being a TEAM with my husband. I tend to hurt his feelings and probably make him feel not needed when I take it all on by myself. Yes, he likes to come home to a clean house and dinner ready and kids rested and well-behaved. BUT, I also know he likes to help give baths and eat dinner all together and hear about their day.
The author, Jill Savage, talks about a time when she realized she should stop blaming her husband for the marital problems and changed her prayer from “Lord, change him” to “Lord, change me.” I read that last night (after whining to my husband that I was tired of hearing about how tired he was and his running and blah, blah, blah) and was instantly ashamed of how often I pray for him to change his attitude, instead of praying that I would change mine. Obviously, I need to approach things with the right spirit and OBVIOUSLY I was not doing this.
I am pretty sure this post does not flow well at all. I apologize. I am feeling extremely scatter-brained this week. There is so much in my head, and I am frantically trying to type it all before I forget or before the girls start fighting and I have to stop.
I need balance. Devotions for 15 minutes first thing in the morning just isn’t cutting it. Praying only when I’m in need of something isn’t fulfilling. Hoping for others to change isn’t right. Today, I am praying “Lord, change me.” And hopefully I’m really ready for this change. I know I can be a better wife and mother only if I am willing to change.
In conclusion, what I need is a break…from myself. So, I’m taking a mental health day from school, from cleaning, from our regular routine. We’re visiting a friend and taking her lunch.
And then I can’t wait to keep reading that book.